As I tap my fingers against these keys trying to decide what to write. What comes to mind is the loneliness that one feels on the way to the height of their destiny.
My experience comes to mind. Reflections of the attacks on my life, from the very day that I was born. I was a very brown skinned, chubby bundle as I am told. Jolly in spirit and all though just born; possessed an old soul.
Of course I don't remember that far back but, I do remember the first attack. It was about the age of six. Auntie & Uncle left me in their Mercedes Benz and went into uncles Automotive shop. If I remember correctly the car was a powdery, metallic blue with tan leather interior and smelled strongly of men's cologne. It smelled like uncle. He was always "clean" although, he was the owner of an Auto body business.
As I sat in the car, I stared at the front door of the shop in anticipation of their return.
This man(white)came out and appeared to be one of my uncles employees. He had on a Navy blue, Mechanics outfit, that was soiled with oil. His hands were greasy and his hair dirty, blond. He spotted me in the window of the car and began squinting his beady blue eyes at me. Then he lit up a cigarette;never taking his eyes off me.
I, never took my eyes off him. As we stared at each other, I searched for a smile or a hello from him but,instead, he stuck out his tongue and rattled it at me. I did not understand. I did not take my eyes off him but, I did stretch my eyes in fear.
After a moment or so, the man began massaging his (genitalia) personal area and squeezing himself aggressively. I remember being terrified and confused.
The next thing I knew, he pulled it(penis) out)and started walking toward the car. I cringed; crouched down in the seat and started wishing for my aunt and uncle to come out of the shop. I don't know what happened but,I heard the man saying;
"Renz(my uncle)that is a cute kid you got there." My uncle returned a thank you;she is my niece... Uncle tapped on the window and prompted me to say hello to the man.
The look on my face must have told him something because,instantly he asked me "what's the matter niece?"
The man escaped confrontation by saying he better get back to work. He waved at me and said;"see you later princess." I never said a word. As my Aunt and uncle got back into the vehicle, my aunt noticed that,I didn't look so well in the face. So, she began questioning me. My uncle followed her lead.
I told them what the man had done. My uncle Renz immediately jumped out of the car and rushed back into the shop. Within moments,I saw the guys body come flying through the front door, by this time; his face was completely covered in blood! My uncle was screaming that he'd better "F-ing" apologize to me, or he is going to kill him! The man began yelling;I'm sorry and was crying like a feline. My uncle screamed,"your fired!"
I always wondered why the man did such a thing to me. I was only six.Well to fast forward, similar experiences continued as I grew up. Some even succeeded further violations. Thank God that I have dealt with them but, it robbed me of my innocence and for a long time, it stole my voice and self-esteem.
Now, as I reflect,I realize that
asking why is not important. Understanding why, is... My understanding has come from a solid relationship with God. I have not let ANYONE, tell me that, I am not good enough for the Lord to love; and believe me, so many have tried to convince me of this.
Every thing that I have encountered has made me strong. Each experience prepared me for the next and every single one contributed to my abilities to handle what, may have broken others down. Now, I do not profess to be a "stainless steel..." I had my fall between 1989 and 1991. I met a girl named Coca Aine and she and I,
"ran together for a minute." She became my best friend. So much so, that all my other friends had to go. I had no room for them.
Somehow or another I got tired of Coca because she was trying to spend every day and every moment with me. She did not want me to eat,sleep,or work. She definitely did not want me to be the mother that I had been in the past to my beautiful daughter. Coca even stole from me and encouraged me to steel from myself and others. Coca had me lying to myself and to others so,yeah, she needed to go.
I managed to remember the teachings of my grandmother in my most terrified moments.
Nana had taught me that prayer changes things. Prayer can move the mountains that we cannot. I incorporated prayer because as desperate as I had become, it was the one thing that I had not tried to dismantle my relationship with Coca. It worked. I know today that prayer without works is dead because as I look back; I did have to take the necessary actions in conjunction with prayer.
I had to stop hanging out with friends of Coca and find new friends. I had to fill these gaps with some previous good friends and I had to work hard to be a better person in every way. Most importantly, one of my resources taught me that if I did not deal with my violations then they would haunt me again and possibly Coca would make her way back into my life. The thought of this scared me so much that,I began professional counseling with a therapist.
I utilized other tools like support groups. I was getting stronger and stronger. Six years into my recovery process, I tried to help a friend with her relocation back to our hometown by subletting her my apartment. I had met her during my healing period and she too was recovering from her life's fall. I had grown very close to her but she'd left to go back to the state where she was originally from. Well, I heard that she wanted to now transition back to the town where we'd become friends.
I had a home in Burlington, Massachusetts and an apartment in Malden, Massachusetts that, was vacant and furnished. I Offered my friend a sublet lease.
Due to some previous credit issues that prevented her ability to turn on utilities in her own name;I turned the utilities on in my name for her. One day, I got a call from the light company that my lights were going to be shut off, due to non-payment of the bill. It had not been paid since she moved in three months ago. I called her and discussed it and was assured by her that, she would take care of it.
I warned her that the light company stated that they were scheduled to shut the lights off by 9pm if the bill was not paid.
Later that evening my friend called to accuse me of turning the lights off on her and her son. I was shocked! I defended myself by referencing the earlier conversation but, she was not trying to hear me and the accusations grew stronger and stronger. Finally, I got angry and said; that even if I did. "You have not paid the bill for three months!" It just dawned on me; "What was her rational?" The truth is, I did not have them turned off.
I believe that to this day she holds this untruth in her heart. I have not seen, nor spoken to her in about fourteen years. Our relationship ended with her having her sons father threaten me and the two of them accusing me of relapsing in my recovery.
This roomer was spread all over Boston where I'd lived at the time.
Many of the so called friends believed and sided with her and turned their backs on me. I don't blame them as she had more years of knowing them than I. My life went on and I am sure all of theirs did as well. The reason that I shared all this is because I owe it to myself to tell my side of the story as no one's ever asked me.
Personally I never felt the need to explain to people who had formed opinions. The point here is, that even after establishing a covenant relationship with my Lord and savior; challenges have never stopped. The attacks on my life have never quit. The adversary has worked diligently to Steal, kill and destroy my soul.
Clearly, I have not let it stop me. I have persevered through it all. And just think, you haven't heard one tenth of my story. I thank God for my journey here.
I look forward to more of His Mercy and Grace because, I know that neither He, nor the adversary are through with me yet.
I
pray that this small part of my story encourages someone and teaches them that they must not quit and that they are never alone.
My life has birthed my ability to paint these pages of encouragement for other children in the struggle... Here are a few things to always remember. Love hard, forgive yourself first so that it's easier to forgive someone else, be responsible, work hard, tell the truth no matter how scary or hurtful it may seem and always pray to your higher power. Mine is God and He does not mind being yours too! Most of all always pray and seek both instruction and direction.
Life really is what you make it!
(C)logicalpoetist July 2010
Photo by Tinou Bao
